In my early 20s, I was socialised out of aggressive behaviour after coming out of a high crime rate high school. I never had male attention aside from my dad. I was physically fit and had my diploma (not a degree); by 23, I had played various sports from high school onwards. I use to workout in my uncles gym since 15 years old. My dad didn’t like that I was a straight shooter because he knew that every other irrational trait a female could have wouldn’t be appealing to my future husband. He didn’t want me to make enemies. My group of girlfriends (2) were in long-term stable relationships. I was single. I certainly (even having taking dads lessons); didn’t get attention from men. Funny enough, every time my girlfriends and I would go to the club—we’d think it was pretty weird that a sixty year plus men were sitting front-row of the dancefloor where a ton of young girls would hang out and dance.
The stakes were higher for me than most fertile girls, so I listened to dad and mum when they said, “Don’t accept any drinks from strangers” and “Men in the club aren’t looking for relationships”. Even my mum’s advice was that “A man wouldn’t love you unless you had a job”.
Looking back, I wasn’t over-moralised about things. I was confident I could maintain a man. I was no longer a straight shooter; I often regretted saying anything that insulted someone. I cared about things and countries’ endurance of hardship and stayed quiet most of the time. Call it naivety, but I was better when I cared about the world as I did back then. I had 0 attitude. I didn’t even know how to roll my eyes. Dad moulded me to be everything a man could desire.
When I hit 25, most of that went downhill. I’ll blame myself for letting go of my weight a little bit and sticking around for a guy who didn’t appreciate my virginity. Being an emotion-based gender sucks, just like when those financially mature men have many options and a wife and will still exercise their options and feel bad about it. I hate that I emotionally prostituted my feelings for a guy who was my only option. I hated and loved my naivety simultaneously because I at least didn’t initiate animosity between myself and people. Still, also, those darn masculine women intervened in my career progression to save the world from a pandemic. That guy I liked never said, “Let me take care of this”. Then I would tell myself, “I waited all my life only to bite my tongue and let girls walk all over me and a guy who didn’t appreciate my conservatism”.
I was just as confused like a man in a suit who wound up sitting across from the biggest time waster. Yuck. I was so focused on one guy that I felt terrible even at the thought of liking anyone else, so my brain decided not to. And believe me, the average guy who works out and has a stable job prefers the average girl who works out. The gym is the perfect place.
But yes, that’s what sex chemicals do. It makes you cling to someone lifeless when you could be spoiling the life out of the guy who works really hard and would appreciate your efforts.
So I returned to the gym happily once I monkey branched from one guy to the next, but any guy I liked could tell me to hit the gym—because hell, I tell myself when I’m becoming fat that I need to lose some weight since my 20s. I even bought a cookbook.
Most women will work their entire lives gaining things that aren’t important to men, and once they get that man, it’s like rocking the crown for them. And every woman wants to wear a crown given by a man who’s ‘bowed down to her’. Having a man is like the tick of approval for everything a woman is, even at her worst. I’ve seen it with my two eyes—girls get their degrees, careers/jobs and boyfriend/husbands and say things my dad would put chilli in my mouth for (I’m just sugar-coating the end of that consequence). My dad wanted me to go to work and listen to my boss but the level of obedience I had with my parents at home was punishable at most workplaces.
I barely had a boyfriend. I had a guy with one foot in and one foot out, but I didn’t have the best guy I could get for all my willingness. But I still didn’t want a world riddled with a pandemic.
Those girls with their degrees, careers/jobs and boyfriends/husbands either don’t have their men anymore or probably aren’t in the most favourable positions with their husbands after the pandemic. And I’m no longer emotionally prostituting myself to the wrong guy for the first time in my life. Ok… I did monkey branch to the next guy for a bit more logical reasons, but at least I can like him again if he wants.
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